Was on 14th June a bottle of Tokay.
I went to an AA meeting and they said I was now on day 2.
I went to a SMART online meeting and they said I was now on day 151 - 134 days plus 3 weeks minus the 4 days I drank. That a lapse is no big deal unless it is sustained or something significant happens.
I LOVE their approach.
I am feeling a lot better, have my head on straight, have just turned 57 and have my whole life ahead of me
:-)
Friday, June 21, 2013
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Mmmmmmmm - bust number three
Last night was a bottle of white wine and a miniature of scotch in a can of diet coke.
What does it mean? Whatever I cause it to!
I haven't been using the SMART tools every day and I have lost my way a bit as a person.
Had phone calls from three AA members enquiring how I am - which I really appreciate.
I walked the lake this morning at 6:15am and did a little weights.
Set myself up for a good rest of the week.
Upset stomach and not feeling all that well.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
PROGRESS rather than Perfection :-)
After that horrible session of a bottle of Muscat washed down with a bottle of Red Wine, I had another drink, a bottle of Port, 14 days later.
I am well into SMART now and have used the tools, particularly the Cost Benefit Analysis (CBA) with very compelling results.
The sticking point with AA was giving my life and my will over to my higher power.
I can accept that as a notion of letting go, relaxation or meditation. But I cannot accept that there is a salient being out there that can cause things to happen in my life.
Everything will occur in my life and I have the opportunity to make what I can out of it - meaning exists because I cause things to have meaning. Usually, without purpose.
The SMART Recovery tools are best used every day and that is what I will do.
AA has some lovely people in it and it is incredibly supportive. It helped me to get 134 days up - without it I struggled hugely.
I think the combination of AA and SMART will work for me best.
I am well into SMART now and have used the tools, particularly the Cost Benefit Analysis (CBA) with very compelling results.
The sticking point with AA was giving my life and my will over to my higher power.
I can accept that as a notion of letting go, relaxation or meditation. But I cannot accept that there is a salient being out there that can cause things to happen in my life.
Everything will occur in my life and I have the opportunity to make what I can out of it - meaning exists because I cause things to have meaning. Usually, without purpose.
The SMART Recovery tools are best used every day and that is what I will do.
AA has some lovely people in it and it is incredibly supportive. It helped me to get 134 days up - without it I struggled hugely.
I think the combination of AA and SMART will work for me best.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Day 134 bust and Post day 134 bust
There I go!
NEXT DAY:
I was right, a prolonged drinking session was unlikely.
What lessons did I learn?
AA meetings are not, by themselves, the answer for me.
I did 10 meetings in a week. Was the chair in the 9th one. Went to long-standing member's home for a cuppa on Sunday afternoon. Went out and drank.
Was feeling lower, and lower, and lower.
Had asked my sponsor to take me through the steps and he kept farting around taking me between 3 and 4.
"God" does not exist for me.
"Godliness" does! Having pure, powerful, constructive thought or emotion does exist for me.
Love exists for me and is the breath of godliness.
What works for me is the pure, the positive and the constructive. Inspiration.
I want what I want most, not what I want now!
Day 134 and a bottle of Muscat and a bottle of Shiraz downed in a bust!
What does it tell me about myself?
Not a lot!
Went to see my sponsor and he said he wanted to see me because "he doesn't want to end up like me!"
What a prick!
From there I went to a SMART meeting - another method of recovery.
I don't know where I am or what I will do, but I woke this morning with numb fingers and a prolonged drinking session is unlikely.
Day 1 again :-)
NEXT DAY:
I was right, a prolonged drinking session was unlikely.
What lessons did I learn?
AA meetings are not, by themselves, the answer for me.
I did 10 meetings in a week. Was the chair in the 9th one. Went to long-standing member's home for a cuppa on Sunday afternoon. Went out and drank.
Was feeling lower, and lower, and lower.
Had asked my sponsor to take me through the steps and he kept farting around taking me between 3 and 4.
"God" does not exist for me.
"Godliness" does! Having pure, powerful, constructive thought or emotion does exist for me.
Love exists for me and is the breath of godliness.
What works for me is the pure, the positive and the constructive. Inspiration.
I want what I want most, not what I want now!
Monday, April 29, 2013
105 Days
Yesterday I reached 105 days.
Already people who I came into the rooms with have disappeared back into their previous lives. I am very sorry to see David go back to very heavy drinking because he was lucky to survive and get into the rooms - he will be very, very lucky to get back.
It appears that there are some VERY welcoming people in AA, but a lot wait until one has shown one is likely to stick around and make it - then they will introduce themselves. A lot like how 'replacements' were treated in WW2. Some incredibly helpful and constructive people.
What have I come to believe.
A power greater than me? That is a given. There are a lot of things, most things, greater, bigger, more powerful than me. But a salient being who will direct my life? Not for me. An energy I can be more part of and use to get my life's work done? Yes, that I believe. Not something which controls, but rather something which adds to and multiplies.
I cannot control outcomes. All I can control are my efforts and while the outcome may lead from them, they are not at all certain.
Is it still a struggle?
I was shitting myself that I wouldn't get to triple figures - that I would drink before the magic ton, 100. For that preceding week, I attended meeting and dropped $20 in the bowl rather than the couple of dollars I am used to. I wanted to refill my Karma reservoir.
I made it on 23 April 2013.
I went to the Gym and got a program. I was introduced to it today. I did my first workout this morning. I am eating, exercising, living and loving properly.
I have, gratefully, my whole life ahead of me. I saw in aircraft investigations that once pilots realise they are flying into the ground, when they put power on and change direction, they still have to go through the bottom of the arc, before they begin to climb.
I am beginning to level out and I am VERY grateful for all the support and love I have had to date.
Already people who I came into the rooms with have disappeared back into their previous lives. I am very sorry to see David go back to very heavy drinking because he was lucky to survive and get into the rooms - he will be very, very lucky to get back.
It appears that there are some VERY welcoming people in AA, but a lot wait until one has shown one is likely to stick around and make it - then they will introduce themselves. A lot like how 'replacements' were treated in WW2. Some incredibly helpful and constructive people.
What have I come to believe.
A power greater than me? That is a given. There are a lot of things, most things, greater, bigger, more powerful than me. But a salient being who will direct my life? Not for me. An energy I can be more part of and use to get my life's work done? Yes, that I believe. Not something which controls, but rather something which adds to and multiplies.
I cannot control outcomes. All I can control are my efforts and while the outcome may lead from them, they are not at all certain.
Is it still a struggle?
I was shitting myself that I wouldn't get to triple figures - that I would drink before the magic ton, 100. For that preceding week, I attended meeting and dropped $20 in the bowl rather than the couple of dollars I am used to. I wanted to refill my Karma reservoir.
I made it on 23 April 2013.
I went to the Gym and got a program. I was introduced to it today. I did my first workout this morning. I am eating, exercising, living and loving properly.
I have, gratefully, my whole life ahead of me. I saw in aircraft investigations that once pilots realise they are flying into the ground, when they put power on and change direction, they still have to go through the bottom of the arc, before they begin to climb.
I am beginning to level out and I am VERY grateful for all the support and love I have had to date.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
82 Days Sober
Just came from a presentation where I listened to Nigel Brennan, who had been held captive for over 400 days in Somalia talk about his harrowing ordeal.
This journey has not been horrendous, but it has been an escape from captivity of sorts.
Being away in a foreign country on a work conference, where alcohol has flowed freely, and it is MUCH harder to get a non-alcoholic drink, at times, than an alcoholic one has had it's challenges!
Things that have helped a lot are my daily reading of the daily reflection, daily prayer, listening to Joe and Charlie recordings, and Skypeing with my sponsor this week.
What was also of huge help was my non-drinking partner's presence - good on you Maria!! Having a person who was not interested in drink has made a huge difference.
I am very glad I took the time to really pump the meetings before I went away - often doing two a day - and that my headspace was sufficiently sorted before I went.
This journey has not been horrendous, but it has been an escape from captivity of sorts.
Being away in a foreign country on a work conference, where alcohol has flowed freely, and it is MUCH harder to get a non-alcoholic drink, at times, than an alcoholic one has had it's challenges!
Things that have helped a lot are my daily reading of the daily reflection, daily prayer, listening to Joe and Charlie recordings, and Skypeing with my sponsor this week.
What was also of huge help was my non-drinking partner's presence - good on you Maria!! Having a person who was not interested in drink has made a huge difference.
I am very glad I took the time to really pump the meetings before I went away - often doing two a day - and that my headspace was sufficiently sorted before I went.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Day 64
Day 64
The 64 day question?
What a roller coaster ride early sobriety is! I came into AA on 10 Dec 2012; had three separate day busts and a full three days straight - after that conversation when I said to my sponsor "I don't want to be a hopeless alcoholic" and he said "mate! You are there!" I had no more excuses.
The life of a continual or part time drunk was not for the faint hearted, but I was medicated to enable me to destroy my life with the minimum of feelings.
At least, on this path, I have a lot of help - support in the way the program is done. Support from the people in the program I relate to.
Life was very tough last week. I was restless, irritable and discontented, perhaps, but on-edge, for sure!
My solution was to attend 2 meetings on Wednesday, 2 meetings on Friday, and two meetings on Saturday. A total of 10 meetings for the week.
By Friday afternoon I had settled down a lot and was back on an even keel.
I spoke with my sponsor early in the week and again in person on Saturday afternoon. That helped a lot. He gave me some direction.
There is a fair bit on my plate at the moment; a speech to prepare; a course to attend; troubles with my partner; a business to maintain; a recovery to work through as an ongoing spiritual recovery.
The recovery must take precedence!
There was a meeting I was half an hour late for that was an outstanding contribution to my day today.
My sponsor said to commit to the daily reflections book as an aid to my recovery - I commit to that.
The positives are the program, with the support of the fellowship.
The negative is the more I sit and listen in the rooms, the more I see myself and remember the destructive things I did.
The overwhelmingly positive things are my gradually improving quality of mind, greater relaxation, and increasing ability to forgive myself and others.
My journey is in its infancy. I look forward to helping it grow.
10 years, 5 years, 3 months, 1 day,
All have in common, just one drink away
I choose life :-)
The 64 day question?
What a roller coaster ride early sobriety is! I came into AA on 10 Dec 2012; had three separate day busts and a full three days straight - after that conversation when I said to my sponsor "I don't want to be a hopeless alcoholic" and he said "mate! You are there!" I had no more excuses.
The life of a continual or part time drunk was not for the faint hearted, but I was medicated to enable me to destroy my life with the minimum of feelings.
At least, on this path, I have a lot of help - support in the way the program is done. Support from the people in the program I relate to.
Life was very tough last week. I was restless, irritable and discontented, perhaps, but on-edge, for sure!
My solution was to attend 2 meetings on Wednesday, 2 meetings on Friday, and two meetings on Saturday. A total of 10 meetings for the week.
By Friday afternoon I had settled down a lot and was back on an even keel.
I spoke with my sponsor early in the week and again in person on Saturday afternoon. That helped a lot. He gave me some direction.
There is a fair bit on my plate at the moment; a speech to prepare; a course to attend; troubles with my partner; a business to maintain; a recovery to work through as an ongoing spiritual recovery.
The recovery must take precedence!
There was a meeting I was half an hour late for that was an outstanding contribution to my day today.
My sponsor said to commit to the daily reflections book as an aid to my recovery - I commit to that.
The positives are the program, with the support of the fellowship.
The negative is the more I sit and listen in the rooms, the more I see myself and remember the destructive things I did.
The overwhelmingly positive things are my gradually improving quality of mind, greater relaxation, and increasing ability to forgive myself and others.
My journey is in its infancy. I look forward to helping it grow.
10 years, 5 years, 3 months, 1 day,
All have in common, just one drink away
I choose life :-)
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