It has been a while since I have been here and a lot has happened.
I have broken up with my three year, very angry, partner and am on my own.
I decided to do the facilitators course at SMART recovery and am two days away from finishing it. It has been a case of "if you would truly know something, teach it!" I have learnt a huge amount from the material - particularly "motivational interviewing" and the insights it has broke to me about myself.
In particular, NO-ONE wants to be told! Everyone wants to be acknowledged as an individual and a person.
There are people I LOVE in AA.
I spent Xmas day, Xmas dinner, at an AA function with about 70 people - SMART Recovery had no such thing. I spent Xmas day with my mate from AA, Desmond.
However, I see a lot of 10 and 20 year AA people who are not well in themselves and who struggle as people.
Perhaps the fault is not AA - perhaps it is humanness.
AA helped me get myself Sober. It gave me the regular meetings and some people who cared about me to get my life back on track.
SMART Recovery has given me my sense of self back. Purpose and direction.
I believe that the combination of the two is essential for the beginning of total wellbeing.
Oh, there are people in SMART Recovery who are stuck and who struggle.
I would love all people in and out of AA and SMART Recovery to be at peace and live self-determining, full lives.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Thursday, October 24, 2013
SMART Recovery "Tool Time" - A Cognitive Distortion
Tool time 23 Oct 2013 with TwoPutts
JAMMED with SLOP
Jumping to a conclusion
All or nothing thought
Mental filter
Magnification
Emotional reasoning
Discounting a positive
Should statement
Labelling
Over generalization
Personalization or blame
Cognitive Distortion
Ten Forms of a Self-Defeating Thought
http://www.skysite.org/primer/distortions.html
1. Jumping to a conclusion
I interpret a thing negatively when there is little or no fact to support my conclusion.
Mind reading: Without checking it out, I arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to me or has a certain motivation.
Fortune telling: I predict that a thing will turn out badly. Before a test I may tell myself, 'I'm really going to blow it. What if I flunk?' If I'm depressed Imay tell myself, 'I'll never get better.'
I might ask myself: What evidence do I REALLY have? How much is this other person struggling? I might let it go a little bit.
2. All or nothing thought
I see a thing in a black or a white category. If a situation falls a bit short of perfect, I see it as a total failure.
When a person on a diet ate a spoonful of ice cream, they told themself, 'I've blown my diet completely.' They upset them so much with this thought that they gobbled down an entire bucket of ice cream!
I might ask myself: How bad is this REALLY? How much might I salvage to grow from this?
An ice-cube is less than an ice-berg.
3. Mental filter
I pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that my vision of all of reality becomes darkened, like a drop of ink that discolours a beaker of water.
Example: I receive many positive comments about my presentation to a group of associates at work, and one of them says something mildly critical. I obsess about this reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.
I might ask myself: Where is a weight of evidence? Where is a positive I might build on? The ink only spreads, in this case, if I MAKE it spread. It isn't ink at all.
4. Magnification
I exaggerate an importance of a problem or shortcoming, or I minimize the importance of a desirable quality of mine.
This is also called a 'binocular trick.'
I might ask myself: Where is a positive? How might I build on this? A thing tends not to last.
5. Emotional reasoning
I assume that a negative emotion of mine necessarily reflects a way a thing really is: 'I feel a bit afraid about going on an airplane. It must be very dangerous to fly.' Or 'I feel a bit guilty - I must be a rotten person.' Or 'I feel a bit angry - this proves I'm being treated unfairly.' Or ‘I feel a bit inferior - this means I'm a second-rate person.' Or 'I feel a bit hopeless - it must really be hopeless.'
I might ask myself: How reasonable is it to make a bit of a feeling equal a bit of reality?
Look at the USA tool in REBT.
Listen to Hank Robb’s Podcast on “ACTing SMART."
6. Discounting a positive
I reject a positive experience by insisting 'it doesn't count.'
When I do a good job, I may tell myself that it wasn't good enough or that anyone could have done as well.
Discounting a positive takes a bit of joy out of my life and I make myself feel a bit inadequate and a bit unrewarded.
I might ask myself: What helpful thing might I say to someone else who has done this? I might say “Thank you!” when complimented. I might build on a success of mine – find it; enjoy it! "A bit of progress, rather than a bit of perfection" J
7. "Should statement"
I tell myself that a thing should be a way that I hope or expect it to be.
After playing a difficult piece on the piano, a gifted pianist told themself, 'I shouldn't have made a mistake.' They made themself feel so disgusted that they quit practicing for several days. 'Must,' 'ought' or 'have to' are a similar offender.
'Should statement' that is directed against myself tends to lead to a bit of guilt or frustration.
Should statement that is directed against another person or the world in general tends to lead to anger or frustration: 'They shouldn't be so stubborn or argumentative'
A person may try to motivate themself with a should or a shouldn’t, as if they were a delinquent who has to be punished before they can be expected to do a thing. 'I shouldn't eat that doughnut.'
This usually doesn't work because a should or must tends to cause me to feel a bit rebellious and to get an urge to do just the opposite.
It is called a 'shouldy' approach to life.
I might ask myself: Why 'should' it? Why 'must' it? Why 'ought' it? It would be nice if it wasthe way I prefer ir to be, however my life will go on regardless. I might look for a bit of progress rather than a bit of perfection.
8. Labelling
Labelling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thought.
Instead of saying 'I made a mistake' I attach a negative label to myself. 'I'm a loser.'
JAMMED with SLOP
Jumping to a conclusion
All or nothing thought
Mental filter
Magnification
Emotional reasoning
Discounting a positive
Should statement
Labelling
Over generalization
Personalization or blame
Cognitive Distortion
Ten Forms of a Self-Defeating Thought
http://www.skysite.org/primer/distortions.html
1. Jumping to a conclusion
I interpret a thing negatively when there is little or no fact to support my conclusion.
Mind reading: Without checking it out, I arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to me or has a certain motivation.
Fortune telling: I predict that a thing will turn out badly. Before a test I may tell myself, 'I'm really going to blow it. What if I flunk?' If I'm depressed Imay tell myself, 'I'll never get better.'
I might ask myself: What evidence do I REALLY have? How much is this other person struggling? I might let it go a little bit.
2. All or nothing thought
I see a thing in a black or a white category. If a situation falls a bit short of perfect, I see it as a total failure.
When a person on a diet ate a spoonful of ice cream, they told themself, 'I've blown my diet completely.' They upset them so much with this thought that they gobbled down an entire bucket of ice cream!
I might ask myself: How bad is this REALLY? How much might I salvage to grow from this?
An ice-cube is less than an ice-berg.
3. Mental filter
I pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that my vision of all of reality becomes darkened, like a drop of ink that discolours a beaker of water.
Example: I receive many positive comments about my presentation to a group of associates at work, and one of them says something mildly critical. I obsess about this reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.
I might ask myself: Where is a weight of evidence? Where is a positive I might build on? The ink only spreads, in this case, if I MAKE it spread. It isn't ink at all.
4. Magnification
I exaggerate an importance of a problem or shortcoming, or I minimize the importance of a desirable quality of mine.
This is also called a 'binocular trick.'
I might ask myself: Where is a positive? How might I build on this? A thing tends not to last.
5. Emotional reasoning
I assume that a negative emotion of mine necessarily reflects a way a thing really is: 'I feel a bit afraid about going on an airplane. It must be very dangerous to fly.' Or 'I feel a bit guilty - I must be a rotten person.' Or 'I feel a bit angry - this proves I'm being treated unfairly.' Or ‘I feel a bit inferior - this means I'm a second-rate person.' Or 'I feel a bit hopeless - it must really be hopeless.'
I might ask myself: How reasonable is it to make a bit of a feeling equal a bit of reality?
Look at the USA tool in REBT.
Listen to Hank Robb’s Podcast on “ACTing SMART."
6. Discounting a positive
I reject a positive experience by insisting 'it doesn't count.'
When I do a good job, I may tell myself that it wasn't good enough or that anyone could have done as well.
Discounting a positive takes a bit of joy out of my life and I make myself feel a bit inadequate and a bit unrewarded.
I might ask myself: What helpful thing might I say to someone else who has done this? I might say “Thank you!” when complimented. I might build on a success of mine – find it; enjoy it! "A bit of progress, rather than a bit of perfection" J
7. "Should statement"
I tell myself that a thing should be a way that I hope or expect it to be.
After playing a difficult piece on the piano, a gifted pianist told themself, 'I shouldn't have made a mistake.' They made themself feel so disgusted that they quit practicing for several days. 'Must,' 'ought' or 'have to' are a similar offender.
'Should statement' that is directed against myself tends to lead to a bit of guilt or frustration.
Should statement that is directed against another person or the world in general tends to lead to anger or frustration: 'They shouldn't be so stubborn or argumentative'
A person may try to motivate themself with a should or a shouldn’t, as if they were a delinquent who has to be punished before they can be expected to do a thing. 'I shouldn't eat that doughnut.'
This usually doesn't work because a should or must tends to cause me to feel a bit rebellious and to get an urge to do just the opposite.
It is called a 'shouldy' approach to life.
I might ask myself: Why 'should' it? Why 'must' it? Why 'ought' it? It would be nice if it wasthe way I prefer ir to be, however my life will go on regardless. I might look for a bit of progress rather than a bit of perfection.
8. Labelling
Labelling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thought.
Instead of saying 'I made a mistake' I attach a negative label to myself. 'I'm a loser.'
I might also label myself 'a fool' or 'a failure' or 'a jerk.'
Labelling is unhelpful because I am more than a thing that I do.
As a complex human being I exist - a simple 'fool' or 'loser' or 'jerk' does not.
A label is a useless abstraction that tends to lead to anger, anxiety, frustration, or low self- esteem.
I may also label another person.
When a person does a thing that rubs me the wrong way, I may tell myself: 'They're a S.O.B Then I feel that a problem is with that person's 'character' or 'essence' instead of with a thought or behaviour of theirs.
I tend to see them as 'totally bad.'
This causes me to feel hostile or hopeless about improving a thing and leaves little room for constructive communication.
I might ask myself: Is this ALL you, or they, are?
Aren't I much more sophisticated and valuable than one, two or fifty things that I have done?
"Once I have an opinion of someone, I cease to experience the person and just experience my opinion of them."
This works for me as well as for them.
I might consider giving ME or THEM a little bit of room to just be – no one thing speaks about all things in a person.
9. Over-generalization
I see a single negative or unhelpful event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as 'always' or 'never' when I think about it.
A depressed salesman became terribly upset when he noticed bird dung on the windshield of his car. He told himself, 'Just my luck! Birds are always pooping on my car!'
I might ask myself: How possible is it that this will ALWAYS or NEVER occur? In what way might I be limiting myself with this?
10. Personalization or blame
Personalization occurs when I hold myself personally responsible for an event that isn't entirely under my control.
When a person received a note that their child was having a difficulty in school, they told themself, 'this shows what a bad parent I am,' instead of trying to pinpoint a cause of this problem so that they could be a bit helpful to their child.
When another person's partner beat them, they told themself, "lf only I were better in bed, they wouldn't beat me."
Personalization tends to lead to guilt, shame, or a feeling of inadequacy.
A person might do an opposite.
They might blame another person or a circumstance for a problem of theirs, and they overlook a way that they might be contributing to this problem.
Labelling is unhelpful because I am more than a thing that I do.
As a complex human being I exist - a simple 'fool' or 'loser' or 'jerk' does not.
A label is a useless abstraction that tends to lead to anger, anxiety, frustration, or low self- esteem.
I may also label another person.
When a person does a thing that rubs me the wrong way, I may tell myself: 'They're a S.O.B Then I feel that a problem is with that person's 'character' or 'essence' instead of with a thought or behaviour of theirs.
I tend to see them as 'totally bad.'
This causes me to feel hostile or hopeless about improving a thing and leaves little room for constructive communication.
I might ask myself: Is this ALL you, or they, are?
Aren't I much more sophisticated and valuable than one, two or fifty things that I have done?
"Once I have an opinion of someone, I cease to experience the person and just experience my opinion of them."
This works for me as well as for them.
I might consider giving ME or THEM a little bit of room to just be – no one thing speaks about all things in a person.
9. Over-generalization
I see a single negative or unhelpful event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as 'always' or 'never' when I think about it.
A depressed salesman became terribly upset when he noticed bird dung on the windshield of his car. He told himself, 'Just my luck! Birds are always pooping on my car!'
I might ask myself: How possible is it that this will ALWAYS or NEVER occur? In what way might I be limiting myself with this?
10. Personalization or blame
Personalization occurs when I hold myself personally responsible for an event that isn't entirely under my control.
When a person received a note that their child was having a difficulty in school, they told themself, 'this shows what a bad parent I am,' instead of trying to pinpoint a cause of this problem so that they could be a bit helpful to their child.
When another person's partner beat them, they told themself, "lf only I were better in bed, they wouldn't beat me."
Personalization tends to lead to guilt, shame, or a feeling of inadequacy.
A person might do an opposite.
They might blame another person or a circumstance for a problem of theirs, and they overlook a way that they might be contributing to this problem.
'The reason my marriage is so lousy is because my spouse is totally unreasonable.'
Blame usually doesn't work very well because another person is likely to resent being a scapegoat and they will just toss some blame right back in my lap.
It's like a game of hot potato - no-one wants to get stuck with it.
I might ask myself: Does it matter so much who or what caused this?
What might I do a bit of now to move forward?
Blame usually doesn't work very well because another person is likely to resent being a scapegoat and they will just toss some blame right back in my lap.
It's like a game of hot potato - no-one wants to get stuck with it.
I might ask myself: Does it matter so much who or what caused this?
What might I do a bit of now to move forward?
"For me to blame
someone else - shows a lack of maturity and a lack of education.
To blame myself - my education has begun and I am starting to mature.
To blame
no-one and get on with a solution, or a helpful thing I might do, or an unhelpful thing I might not do,
as a result - my education is complete and I have matured a bit.”
- Phil Viney
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Day 88 of straight sobriety - 264 days of not drinking out of the last 274 :)
It has not been EASY :) - not in the least!
What has helped is the support of others who allowed me to be on the journey that I needed to take.
What has NOT helped are people who KNOW EXACTLY what I should be doing and who tell, yell, cajole me to do it! They would not be of help me in a million years.
The love of people who hug me and are there to simply support me and encourage me to do the next right thing as I see it.
SMART and the tools therein - especially the work-book and the tool-time sessions.
I am experiencing much greater mental clarity. Astoundingly better memory - especially for things I put somewhere and can find again! Once I leave the dance studio, I not only remember the routines THAT day but I can also recall them the next day! Haven't been able to do that for years.
My general mood is lighter. I have bouts of happiness. I am quicker with a smile and more content as a person.
I am listening to motivational recordings and getting them faster. I am more optimistic about the future and living a life of my choice.
It is easier this time and I suppose that is the nature of any journey - especially mountain climbing, where the life of intoxication has to be pushed off the top of this thought mountain, and replaced with something far more constructive.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Effective Beliefs and Choices
MOST times I have to use a bit of PMA –
Push My Ass, somehow
A bit of ACTION creates a bit of motivation
A bit of PRACTICE to develop a bit of a habit
of my conscious choice
Get a bit rid of an unhelpful idea like a bit of rock out of my rowboat.
E of ABCDE tool = Effective new belief
Planning, Patience, Practice,
Persistence is needed in an endeavour I choose
Effective belief and choice
Healthy Belief
Helpful Belief
Healthy Risk Taking
Have a plan
Work on LFT – Lowered Frustration
Threshold - make it HFT - a bit Higher Frustration Threshold
A new belief doesn't have
to be radically different than the old - could just be a toned down more
realistic version of it ("this is unpleasant and I can stand it” versus
"this is awful and I can’t stand it.")
DO a bit better now, feel a bit better
later
New belief will not be an old
friend, it may even be uncomfortable – like a NEW SHOE. Know that it is what is
needed and that it will look and serve me better, and it needs to be “worn in” a little bit over time.
My old belief was cobbled
together from all kinds of absurd sources - school, pop-culture, parent,
etc... This time around maybe take some
time to pick or choose and carefully consider what is a bit more helpful to believe - then set out to believe it.
I would “prefer" to do well -
“Prefer” rather than “demand”
B = Story I tell myself about the A
I REACT to the B, rather
than the A
C = B C ≠ A
It is a thought of mine which tends to cause stress = belief-based stress
D – where is evidence
that the belief B is real? Where is evidence that the belief B is helping
me?
E – Effective Belief, rather than happening “spontaneously,” are what I choose my life to look like and how I
am setting myself up to be.
I put in some effort to create my own, new, healthy
thought.
I DO a bit better now, to FEEL a bit better later.
Cognitive Dissonance – gap between
what I cognitively accept and when I emotionally feel better because of it.
An emotion needs to “catch up.”
I am a fallible human being
- perfection is not even on my radar. :)
ABCDEF = a bit of a FEELING that is helpful, or desirable, or constructive.
ABCDEFG = GOAL is to “cope”
in a constructive, or participative way. To participate a bit more fully. A bit of PROGRESS, rather than a bit of perfection!
ABCDEFGH = HAPPINESS because
I am doing what I can do to control a thought of mine, which is where a bit of my true power
exists. Unable to determine an outcome from other people, places and things.
May have a little influence, but the determination is “in the hands of the
Gods.” I only have control over HOW I think and WHAT I do.
I do my bit better work with ME. It is the most important tool I have.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Lapse Number 4
Was on 14th June a bottle of Tokay.
I went to an AA meeting and they said I was now on day 2.
I went to a SMART online meeting and they said I was now on day 151 - 134 days plus 3 weeks minus the 4 days I drank. That a lapse is no big deal unless it is sustained or something significant happens.
I LOVE their approach.
I am feeling a lot better, have my head on straight, have just turned 57 and have my whole life ahead of me
:-)
I went to an AA meeting and they said I was now on day 2.
I went to a SMART online meeting and they said I was now on day 151 - 134 days plus 3 weeks minus the 4 days I drank. That a lapse is no big deal unless it is sustained or something significant happens.
I LOVE their approach.
I am feeling a lot better, have my head on straight, have just turned 57 and have my whole life ahead of me
:-)
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Mmmmmmmm - bust number three
Last night was a bottle of white wine and a miniature of scotch in a can of diet coke.
What does it mean? Whatever I cause it to!
I haven't been using the SMART tools every day and I have lost my way a bit as a person.
Had phone calls from three AA members enquiring how I am - which I really appreciate.
I walked the lake this morning at 6:15am and did a little weights.
Set myself up for a good rest of the week.
Upset stomach and not feeling all that well.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
PROGRESS rather than Perfection :-)
After that horrible session of a bottle of Muscat washed down with a bottle of Red Wine, I had another drink, a bottle of Port, 14 days later.
I am well into SMART now and have used the tools, particularly the Cost Benefit Analysis (CBA) with very compelling results.
The sticking point with AA was giving my life and my will over to my higher power.
I can accept that as a notion of letting go, relaxation or meditation. But I cannot accept that there is a salient being out there that can cause things to happen in my life.
Everything will occur in my life and I have the opportunity to make what I can out of it - meaning exists because I cause things to have meaning. Usually, without purpose.
The SMART Recovery tools are best used every day and that is what I will do.
AA has some lovely people in it and it is incredibly supportive. It helped me to get 134 days up - without it I struggled hugely.
I think the combination of AA and SMART will work for me best.
I am well into SMART now and have used the tools, particularly the Cost Benefit Analysis (CBA) with very compelling results.
The sticking point with AA was giving my life and my will over to my higher power.
I can accept that as a notion of letting go, relaxation or meditation. But I cannot accept that there is a salient being out there that can cause things to happen in my life.
Everything will occur in my life and I have the opportunity to make what I can out of it - meaning exists because I cause things to have meaning. Usually, without purpose.
The SMART Recovery tools are best used every day and that is what I will do.
AA has some lovely people in it and it is incredibly supportive. It helped me to get 134 days up - without it I struggled hugely.
I think the combination of AA and SMART will work for me best.
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