Lapse Number 4

Was on 14th June a bottle of Tokay.

I went to an AA meeting and they said I was now on day 2.

I went to a SMART online meeting and they said I was now on day 151 - 134 days plus 3 weeks minus the 4 days I drank. That a lapse is no big deal unless it is sustained or something significant happens.

I LOVE their approach.

I am feeling a lot better, have my head on straight, have just turned 57 and have my whole life ahead of me
:-)

Mmmmmmmm - bust number three

Last night was a bottle of white wine and a miniature of scotch in a can of diet coke.

What does it mean? Whatever I cause it to!

I haven't been using the SMART tools every day and I have lost my way a bit as a person.

Had phone calls from three AA members enquiring how I am - which I really appreciate.

I walked the lake this morning at 6:15am and did a little weights.

Set myself up for a good rest of the week.

Upset stomach and not feeling all that well.

PROGRESS rather than Perfection :-)

After that horrible session of a bottle of Muscat washed down with a bottle of Red Wine, I had another drink, a bottle of Port, 14 days later.

I am well into SMART now and have used the tools, particularly the Cost Benefit Analysis (CBA) with very compelling results.

The sticking point with AA was giving my life and my will over to my higher power.

I can accept that as a notion of letting go, relaxation or meditation. But I cannot accept that there is a salient being out there that can cause things to happen in my life.

Everything will occur in my life and I have the opportunity to make what I can out of it - meaning exists because I cause things to have meaning. Usually, without purpose.

The SMART Recovery tools are best used every day and that is what I will do.

AA has some lovely people in it and it is incredibly supportive. It helped me to get 134 days up - without it I struggled hugely.

I think the combination of AA and SMART will work for me best.

Day 134 bust and Post day 134 bust

There I go!

Day 134 and a bottle of Muscat and a bottle of Shiraz downed in a bust!

What does it tell me about myself?

Not a lot!

Went to see my sponsor and he said he wanted to see me because "he doesn't want to end up like me!"

What a prick!

From there I went to a SMART meeting - another method of recovery.

I don't know where I am or what I will do, but I woke this morning with numb fingers and a prolonged drinking session is unlikely.

Day 1 again :-)

NEXT DAY:

I was right, a prolonged drinking session was unlikely.

What lessons did I learn?

AA meetings are not, by themselves, the answer for me.

I did 10 meetings in a week. Was the chair in the 9th one. Went to long-standing member's home for a cuppa on Sunday afternoon. Went out and drank.

Was feeling lower, and lower, and lower.

Had asked my sponsor to take me through the steps and he kept farting around taking me between 3 and 4.

"God" does not exist for me.

"Godliness" does! Having pure, powerful, constructive thought or emotion does exist for me.

Love exists for me and is the breath of godliness.

What works for me is the pure, the positive and the constructive. Inspiration.

I want what I want most, not what I want now!