A belief I might tend to have

Bit by Bit, I Am Tending to Become What I Believe!

"I believe a bit more that my life is worth living and my belief helps create this as a bit more of a fact" - William James

Interesting thing is that I never believed I was alcoholic...I just kept acting as one. I was so amazing at acting out being alcoholic that I became a professional alcoholic actor for many, many years. I acted in a way that was counter intuitive (contrary to what makes sense). I was such a good alcoholic actor that I should have made millions, rather than lost millions 

I always believed that I was meant for something greater than acting out the role of an alcoholic.

Sidebar - What is the role of an alcoholic? Definition: of, containing, or caused by alcohol Webster

Here is an excerpt from one persons definition of what and how an alcoholic behaves - "To varying degrees, an alcoholic lives in denial of their destructiveness (self and other) and this further distorts what they are able to make sense of."
Jim LaPierre

Who I believe I am is who I will tend to remain and become. In this moment, as I'm writing this entry, who do I think I am? The answer to this one question saved me from throwing it all away, on my journey towards SMART. I am an alcoholic only as long as I act like one..

A moment I took to reduce my acting as an alcoholic, was a moment I was a bit more than an alcoholic. There is one small help to clarify that last sentence. It's not an act that defines me as an alcoholic, but rather, it's how I process a thought that got me to perform that act. When I say that I am better served to "stop acting as" an alcoholic, what I mean is that I am better served to stop thinking in such a way that causes me to act in such a way.

Somewhere along the way I started processing a feeling that I received from an "activating event" in such a way that I started to believe that alcohol was the only way that I could deal with living out that part of my life.

As I think back to what drew me to SMART, and ultimately the devaluing of alcohol in my life, it was that I came to the table with a belief that I was someone or something more than an act I was performing as 'an alcoholic.' I started accepting USA (Unconditional Self-Acceptance).

I had a nagging thought or feeling that my life was maybe capable of something greater than just drinking myself into oblivion?

That scene in the Matrix where NEO realizes that he no longer has to react as he did before.

It might be simply altering what I believe about _________, and how I might alter an unhelpful emotional response, that might change how I live and control my destiny.

"I AM TENDING TO BECOME WHAT I BELIEVE TO BE TRUE!"

I always felt a bit that I was capable of something a bit greater and a bit grander than simply acting out the role of 'an alcoholic.'

Which is why it isn't 'SMART' to use a label to define myself or someone else!
This is such a powerful journal entry for me!
Rather than being 'alcoholic' I simply acted "Alcoholically" - it was a behaviour. I used it for coping - which didn't serve my long-term, or even short-term, better interest at all.
There is some really powerful discussion around schizophrenia and the inability of the sufferer to see that they are unwell.

"As an 'alcoholic' I tended to live in denial of my destructiveness (self or other)"

I don't believe it is denial, I believe now it is the inability to SEE and APPRECIATE - until some distance is placed between myself and that bit of my behaviour through sobriety. It worked that way for me.

I got very early in my sobriety

A moment I take to reduce a bit my acting as an alcoholic, I, in that moment, move a bit away from "BEING" an alcoholic.

I allowed for a bit more expression of a thing that I am an expression of in my world - friend; boyfriend; father; too late for son; dancer; worker; etc.

It is in the choosing to act in a bit different, bit more helpful way, that I discover a bit more of my 'powerfulness!'

The devaluing of alcohol in my life came about as a natural consequence.

It used to be THE most important thing! The 'feeling' or lack of feeling I got from it.

Now an important thing is tending to be my health, my giving to and chatting with another, and my increasing expression of a bit of myself in my world.

Mind as a computer - An action is helpful

Jim Kwik
Memory, mind power, rather than something I have, is something I DO.

My words are the program for my super computer.

I say it, I run it!

Low state of mind - low super computer.

Darieth Chisholm:

Who might I become now?

Own my story

Speak my truth

Narrating a new chapter in my life

Look after myself - love myself

Turn anger into action

Pain into power

Set-back into a Set-up for what is next in my life

Self-forgiveness 

Bravery

Confidence

Conviction

Zig Ziglar

Survival Stability Success Significance

The outer affects the inner.

“It is easier to act my way into a new way of thinking, than it is to think my way into a new way of acting.” - Miller Fuller

“What would an optimistic, confident person do now?” - AJ Jacobs

Gratitude

There are a lot of people and things that are working together to help my life be possible.

Resources are finite.

Trade offs are constantly required.

What do I value/prioritise the most

How do my day to day behaviours reflect that?

Jim Rohn 

It probably takes more than one voice/source to grow and develop.

The MAJOR key to MY better life is ME!

I get paid for the VALUE I provide!

Work primarily on MYSELF.

Work to develop “above average” qualities.

Learn to work more consistently on MYSELF than I do on my job.

For things to change for me, I’m best to change.

Life is like the changing seasons.

Rather than control my seasons, I can eventually control my responses.

Learn to handle life’s winters.

Learn to handle life’s summers.

Moment of insight

vs

Gradual Unfolding

Experience without getting drawn in.

See them for what they are.

Refuse to give them power.

See them as distinct from what I truly want.

Recognise a story as coming from the inner lizard.

“Everyone does it!”

“You can’t hold out”

“Have one”

“You’re in trouble”

“The money is running out!”

“You really need this”

“You deserve it!”

“You’re OK now”

“This will be the last!”

Do these sound like wisdom?

Practical, logical, scientific?

How likely to be Helpful?

The Little Book of Big Change

(The book speaks of "Universal Mind or Universal Intelligence" - I have a preference to not embrace that notion. Although I do believe in the power of inner peace.)

The nuts and bolts of my addictive behaviour are less the issue - more the issue is a thought that leads to it.
I am going deeper than simply a behaviour.

A thought is like a taxi.

It pulls up, offers me a lift, and I am not required to get in.

A thought is like a cloud in the sky.

It floats past, and I am not required to walk along with it.

What else might be in the sky?

A sun!

Otherwise I couldn’t 'see' a cloud.

How might I let a little more of my sun shine through?

I was making a choice regarding an unhelpful addictive behaviour I SAW as helpful, and definitely the least stressful, at THAT time.

With THAT state of mind.
In THAT moment - with little view of my future.

When a state of my mind alters a little, a choice of mine might alter, or become a bit clearer.

In what way might I see it as “too” difficult, painful, or disruptive to change.

How might I be more grateful for a helpful thing in my life, and more “graceful” with an unhelpful thing in my life

My Lower Brain - My Inner Lizard - has “rat cunning” - as is expected.

"Acts" as if a habit is necessary for survival.

In order to “feel” a bit hijacked, there needs to be something there, that is capable of being hijacked!

Lower brain can’t actually DO anything - it requires me to give it control.

Like a back seat passenger, yelling “run the red light” each time I approach one.

I might CHOOSE to see it as an arm-less, leg-less, lizard with a megaphone - the megaphone likely decreases in size over time. Especially as I see it has no 'real' control over me.

When a human being is lost in the wilderness, they tend to speed up. Go harder.

'Rescue people' say staying still is much safer.

Intellectual knowledge comes from studying a thing.

Insight comes from freeing the mind and looking at a thing from a number of different angles.

An unhelpful addictive habit started as a way to get a benefit of some sort.

After a while, this habit was done mainly to make an urge go away - to satisfy it.

My unhelpful addictive habit is a result of a thought of mine - done habitually now.

A thought is an Impersonal and Temporary Human experience.

Perhaps I might choose to see a habit and an urge in a different way.
That insight, awareness, might alter a thing in a significant way.

A course of action may start because I don’t feel ‘good’ in my own skin and want to feel good in some way.
Achieve freedom from an unhelpful thought.
Be distracted from an experience I don’t like.

An urge to do an unhelpful addictive habit might provide helpful information.
That a feeling or thought of mine is not helpful to me at this time.
It could be an opportunity to step back and be quiet.

In what way might this be a ‘choice point’ to ‘pause’ and step back a little?

A challenge might occur when I ‘believe’ a little in the urge.
When I see it as ‘powerful,’ ‘meaningful,’ and something that I ‘MUST’ act on.

A voice “why am I doing this?” is perhaps a bit of my inner wisdom.

I might exercise my “FREE WON’T” rather than my 'free will' - my ‘veto power.’

The more I exercise my ‘free won’t’ the more an urge or thought can be seen for what it is. Temporary; passing; powerful only as far as I give it permission to be.

The mind, at rest, is in something deeper, truer, and more helpful.

Lizard brain seeks simplicity - predictability.
It is its default position.
It opposes and ‘argues’ against change.

Inside me is a “spirit of me” energy (seen in meditation or mindfulness and in my Hierarchy of Values - HoV).

I might attempt to ‘see’ a ‘choice point’ – attempt to take a different path.

Each time I attempt it, let alone succeed in it, I change a bit of “The Landscape of My Brain.”

As a child I was “fundamentally well by nature.”
Increased rumination or over-thinking interfered with that.

I can perhaps CHOOSE TO move a bit more towards clarity and wellness.

A label tends to stand in the way of my progress.

Rising above the human condition – accepting that an unhelpful thought (or urge when moving away from a habit) occur.
Doing a thing to transform my relationship with a thought or emotion or urge of my unhelpful addictive habit.

An expectation of mine tends to shape my reality.

Seeing a thing a bit differently tends to alter an expectation of mine.

I MIGHT do a thing – there is no thing I MUST do.

I might choose to dismiss a potentially unhelpful thought or urge.

Dismiss = shrug off; brush off; pay no heed to; scoff at; distract myself from.

What I believe about a thought; make of a thought; how I relate to a thought; interact with a thought.

ONLY THAT gives it any substance.

I might choose to see a thought as ebbing and flowing; impersonal; unstable; unsubstantial.

I might create a pause; dismiss an urge – I might see it get easier over time.

I expect I’ll be OK, regardless what my future might hold.

I might make an alteration in the way I ‘feel.’

This is a part of what it means to be a human.

I might choose to “see” what might have been handled a bit differently.

Shift(s) in a thought of mine – in viewing a thought of mine.

Power of discomfort - seeing that I am using a 'Power of Thought' against myself.

A Thought -> An Emotion -> An Urge -> A Relief.

Re-frame a thought to a Different thought -> A Relief

Commonly, doing an unhelpful addictive habit is eventually, rather than relief or relaxation, simply attempting to get to my former baseline of some sort of wellness.

Being free of an unhelpful addictive habit is actually raising my baseline wellness.

Falling back into the well-worn path of an unhelpful addictive habit for a moment is common.
It means absolutely nothing on its own.

A person tends to be mortified when this happens.

That secondary upset, being upset about being upset or slipping, tends to be truly unhelpful.

The lower brain is ‘machine-like’ and suggestible.

It repeats a pattern and seeks to create a habit of some sort.

A “Path of Least Resistance” – the beaten neurological path through my mind – mightn still be trodden in stormy weather, or when I let my guard drop.

Reversion to my previous behaviour is an “Oops!”
- rather than anything meaningful or important.

What might be important and very helpful – “what might this event be telling me?”

How might I have been choosing to feel or think? How might I do differently?

It seems to be a ‘process’ to move to greater freedom from a habit of thought or action.

It tends to be an inconsistent process.

It tends to be messy or sloppy.

I might choose to dismiss an urge or a thought – choose to refuse to engage with an urge or a thought.

Choose to leave a bit of my “personal, opinionated; judgmental thinking” behind.

Choose to be a bit more “open in the moment.”

Look to discover a bit, rather than simply confirm what I seem to "know."

Allow a bit more room for wisdom; or common sense; or a bit more helpful idea.

My current thought may not create a space for my health, peace and charity.

I might choose to hold 'what I think I know' more loosely.

The less I think I ‘know,’ the freer I may become.

Look to be a bit ‘dumber’ in the moment.

“In what way might this thought of mine this be less than helpful?”

In what way might I be choosing to write a thought or feeling of yesterday, on the clean blank slate of now?

Masking a bit of the ‘reality’ of today.

Interfering with a bit more blissfully experiencing this moment.

In what way might I be having a thought or acting like my life is lived from “outside in.”

In what way might I be choosing to live my life from “inside out?”

To be more aware of feeling a thought of mine in the moment.

Of choosing to use a thought of mine and a feeling of mine to more tailor an experience I prefer to have.

Being more deeply in the moment, rather than in a thought of mine, is LIVING.

What might I be learning from this struggle about what it is to be a human?

How might I grow and develop a skill of mine?

In what way might I alter this thing to happen “FOR” me rather than “TO” me?

How might this experience assist me to rise a bit above my human condition?

Rather than me BEING a thought, urge, habit or experience of mine, it passes through me – it is NOT ME.

Rather than be as much out in the storm on the surface, I might choose to relax a bit more into the calm within.

Rather than be caught in and tossed by a wave of a thought or emotion or urge, I might choose to seek to get on top of a wave and surf it to a newer understanding.

I do what I can,

With what I have,

Where I am.

An insight or awareness helps to set me a bit freer.

Common unhelpful faulty thought:

“I feel this way; I think this way; therefore I must BE this way!”

I choose to look for a glimpse of the “ME” underneath.

Back up a little from what I am creating in thought or emotion, and move a little into the “awareness” that is the “me.”

Addictive Behaviour is a same creature in a different costume – my “brain lizard.”

The “me” underneath has a tendency to be a “blue sky” thought.

A thought naturally moves in all directions.

I choose to be wary of a “broken” or “special” thought that I might latch onto.

Rather thanbeing ‘broken,’ it is solely to do with a thought habit of my mind – and me getting caught up in it.

Would I rather have a “Blue Sky” thought, or a “stormy weather” thought?

What in me is “aware” of a thought of mine?

That is actually my “me.”

From the moment I was born – to “see” and make a choice.

As a person I am always whole and healthy – how might I shine a light more fully on my own true nature?

“Seeing” where motivation originates.

Where potential is realized.

Where efficiency comes from.

My “essential nature” is untouched.

My “pure nature” is untouched.

As a human I have a tendency is to see a thing I am doing, or have done, as ‘who I am.’

To see 'me' as a behaviour of mine or thought.

I might choose to attempt to see my ‘true self’ and see my health and resilience.

When I feel 'hurt,' I might then describe the other person’s behaviour.

Is my hurt coming from my ego?

Or is it coming from love and understanding?

How might I point myself towards that part of me?

My ‘experience’ is coming from a thought of mine.
What part of me is ‘aware’ of a thought or experience of mine?

Go ‘inside’ and rest in my awareness.

As I look at an experience from my awareness, what alters?

Seeing from a thought of mine tends to make my life more challenging.

I might choose to go ‘home’ and see it from my wisdom or awareness.

See it from my love and peace.

Who I am cannot be broken.

My essential nature continues to be there, is always whole.

Might be a source of joy and peace in my life.

There is nothing on the outside that can help me.

There is nothing on the outside that can hurt me.

There is nothing on the outside at all.

There is no outside.

It all originates in me, in my awareness.

A thought of mine may alter, and I may choose to live it.
My awareness is a constant.

What in me is “seeing” a thought of mine?

In what way am I aware?

How am I aware of sound? What can I hear?

How am I aware of sight? What can I see?

What is looking at a thought of mine?

How long has this looking, or awareness been there?

That awareness is me – pure – whole – complete.

Realizing the “me” in the moment.

Three principles:

Universal mind.

Consciousness.

Thought.

Little mind is the ego mind.

Big mind is the divine mind or universal intelligence.

Consciousness has infinite levels.

I am one thought away from sadness or happiness.

See the process as a movie projector:

Thought is the movie.

Consciousness, as the projector, brings the movie to life.

Mind is the power for the projector.

I'm Alive.

I Think.

I'm Aware.

Connectedness is my natural state.

Thought is arbitrary.

It simply occurs and passes through me.

I am not required to ‘believe’ a thing.

When I choose that a thing is true, I am influenced regarding a thought I have and how I interact with it.

Quote I get mileage from

"Then, almost without expecting it, without doing a thing consciously different - it just clicks a little bit and away I go." - Dale B

"Rather than seeking a victory, perhaps I'll look to grow my persistence.
For when I pick myself up, to go forward in a struggle, I bring honour to myself.
Even more, I shine a light of honour on us all." - Shug McLister (Inspired by Olympic Saying)

“It can be a powerful shift, when as a person in active recovery, rather than moving forward because I hate what is behind me, I start to move forward because I am beginning to love what is in front of me that little bit more.” - Shug McLister (Inspired by G K Chesterton)

"What got me sober was trying to get sober. Every time I lapsed, picked up, drank, I was thoroughly beaten. I thought at that time "there is no hope for me"  Yet, when I had recovered from that thought just a little, I thought "I'll have another go!" It was a little spark, then another, rather than a flame, that got me here.” - Shug McLister

"Progress becomes a bit more possible with change - as I change my mind, I might change anything!" - Shug McLister

"Believe a bit that I might, and I'm half-way there."

"The past has a bit of power, ESPECIALLY when I give it PERMISSION to have power!"

"When I went looking for a bit of motivation, I found a bit of ACTION comes before it."

"Recovery is for a person who WANTS to put in effort towards it, rather than a person who needs it."

Life will continue :)

Hey There!

Life will continue. People will make a point of not liking me!

People will act rudely and insensitively!

My love interest will not love me.

ABCs have made it all much more manageable and survivable.
I cannot control what happens and I can reduce a bit of my reaction - especially over-reaction.

That comes from the REBT of SMART Recovery.

This I believe!
I is not so important what I believe as it is THAT I believe!
In something, in anything - a belief that gives me hope and direction.

I prefer the possibility of SMART over the inevitability of AA as regards human behaviour - particularly when I find myself subject to a compulsive, unhelpful addictive behaviour (which just about everyone does, at some point).

In an ABC and JAMMED SLOP I find refuge from a vagary of my very human behaviour.

Life wants to exist

No matter how I attempted to poison myself and destroy my wellbeing, my body and my psyche continued to bounce back.

My life wanted to go on, despite my efforts.

Scientists have shown that if you put all the ingredients for life in a puddle, eventually life will form.

Life wants to be, to exist, to form. What kind of life, that is the question?

It seems that recovery has three impediments:

1. The monkey/addictive voice/animal brain/horse/limbic system/salesman/bullshitter - that just wants me to do my Poison of Choice (PoC) and doesn't give a shit about me and what is in my long-term best interests.
2. My spoiled child! Don't tell me not to have one! I'll show you! I'll have 10!!
3. Conditioning. Like Pavlov's dogs, ring the bell, put me in a situation, sound, sight, smell, thought, and the response will be, without intervention, 'automatic.'

Thing is,

1. I can switch on my higher mind
2. I can grow up, mentally
3. I am not a dog and I can recognise, intervene and retrain myself or be retrained

"Psychological and Emotional residue" was mentioned the other day as well. Acknowledging that there are still some things that I am required to acknowledge, deal with, live with, or let go.

Practice, Persistence, Patience and Stubbornness are all important.

"“Recovery capital.” It is a threefold engagement by the recoveree drawing on:

1. one, strengths from within himself or herself;
2. two, an engaged group of family and friends;
3. three, a recovery-friendly community within which the recoveree interacts on a daily basis."

http://aaagnostica.org/2013/08/18/all-paths-to-recovery-are-cause-for-celebration/

Takes all kinds of input to get recovery.

Discoveries this week.

SMART stands for "Self-Management And Recovery Training"

Training:
If you were told you were signed up for sex education, you probably be "ho hum"
If you were told it was "sex training" that would get your attention!
Training is hands on - how-to!

Self-Management:
Every day he complained "Not ham sandwiches again!!" as he opened his lunch.
After a month his friend said "Why don't you ask your wife to make different sandwiches for your lunch?"
The fellow replied "I make my own lunch!"
Keep doing the same things, how can the results be different?

Hierarchy of Values (HoV)
A lot of people ask the question "What is the meaning of life?"
What if you are the answer?
That answer might be found in you and what you hold dear.
In your HoV.

Optimism:
"The expectation that the future will be socially desirable, good and pleasurable."
E.g. "In uncertain times I normally expect good outcomes."

Flow:
"An intrinsically rewarding or optimal state that results from intense engagement with an activity."
Critical to this are the right balance between challenge and skill.

What really works for me?

Form a ten word sentence that makes complete sense and each word only has two letters:
"If it is to be, it is up to me!"

"Acceptance rather than resignation - means that I understand that something is what it is, but there just might be a way through it." - Michael J Fox

Focus on what I do want.
Critical information is how to stand up again once I have fallen.
My thoughts about myself and my circumstances are not truths.

"Peace, rather than being in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work, means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in my heart." - Rita Ghatourey

Slow Down
Develop Awareness
Cultivate the belief that change is possible.
Decide what matters.
When go astray, accept, repair, centre.

All behaviour is an attempt to meet a need.

Tenderness and weakness are companions of life - hardness and stiffness are companions of death.

Happiness has been indicated to be 50% Genes - 10% Life Circumstances - 40% Intentional Activity
What I do makes a difference!! Gene expression and my circumstances are also able over time to be changed.

What does it take to be happy and content?
"Bring the good of others to completion" - Confucius
"When you want others to be happy, practice compassion." - Dalai Lama

Drugs change the shape, structure, function of neurons.
The Brain is perhaps the "organ of behaviour."
I am a very active participant in how I feel.
My brain has no mechanism to remove drugs from receptors.

Drugs reduce dopamine receptors.
Brain and the body are one.

Conditioned Place Preference
Rats injected with an addictive substance tend to stay in the "room" in that part of the box they are put in. Conditioning. Pavlov's Dogs.

Break Point
A rat self injecting an addictive substance by pressing a lever.
Raise the number of lever presses before the drug is administered.
At a certain number the rat will lose interest. Break Point.

Self-Empowerment / Motivation to lower the break point.

Healthier Options / Healthier Thinking / Healthier Choices.

The brain becomes a co-conspirator in addictive behaviour.
- Learning and reinforcement areas activated after chronic drug use.

Neuroplasticity - Brain capable of changing Structure, Signalling, Gene Expression.

Brain takes time to heal - it DOES heal
4 months almost fully from cocaine.