A belief I might tend to have

Bit by Bit, I Am Tending to Become What I Believe!

"I believe a bit more that my life is worth living and my belief helps create this as a bit more of a fact" - William James

Interesting thing is that I never believed I was alcoholic...I just kept acting as one. I was so amazing at acting out being alcoholic that I became a professional alcoholic actor for many, many years. I acted in a way that was counter intuitive (contrary to what makes sense). I was such a good alcoholic actor that I should have made millions, rather than lost millions 

I always believed that I was meant for something greater than acting out the role of an alcoholic.

Sidebar - What is the role of an alcoholic? Definition: of, containing, or caused by alcohol Webster

Here is an excerpt from one persons definition of what and how an alcoholic behaves - "To varying degrees, an alcoholic lives in denial of their destructiveness (self and other) and this further distorts what they are able to make sense of."
Jim LaPierre

Who I believe I am is who I will tend to remain and become. In this moment, as I'm writing this entry, who do I think I am? The answer to this one question saved me from throwing it all away, on my journey towards SMART. I am an alcoholic only as long as I act like one..

A moment I took to reduce my acting as an alcoholic, was a moment I was a bit more than an alcoholic. There is one small help to clarify that last sentence. It's not an act that defines me as an alcoholic, but rather, it's how I process a thought that got me to perform that act. When I say that I am better served to "stop acting as" an alcoholic, what I mean is that I am better served to stop thinking in such a way that causes me to act in such a way.

Somewhere along the way I started processing a feeling that I received from an "activating event" in such a way that I started to believe that alcohol was the only way that I could deal with living out that part of my life.

As I think back to what drew me to SMART, and ultimately the devaluing of alcohol in my life, it was that I came to the table with a belief that I was someone or something more than an act I was performing as 'an alcoholic.' I started accepting USA (Unconditional Self-Acceptance).

I had a nagging thought or feeling that my life was maybe capable of something greater than just drinking myself into oblivion?

That scene in the Matrix where NEO realizes that he no longer has to react as he did before.

It might be simply altering what I believe about _________, and how I might alter an unhelpful emotional response, that might change how I live and control my destiny.

"I AM TENDING TO BECOME WHAT I BELIEVE TO BE TRUE!"

I always felt a bit that I was capable of something a bit greater and a bit grander than simply acting out the role of 'an alcoholic.'

Which is why it isn't 'SMART' to use a label to define myself or someone else!
This is such a powerful journal entry for me!
Rather than being 'alcoholic' I simply acted "Alcoholically" - it was a behaviour. I used it for coping - which didn't serve my long-term, or even short-term, better interest at all.
There is some really powerful discussion around schizophrenia and the inability of the sufferer to see that they are unwell.

"As an 'alcoholic' I tended to live in denial of my destructiveness (self or other)"

I don't believe it is denial, I believe now it is the inability to SEE and APPRECIATE - until some distance is placed between myself and that bit of my behaviour through sobriety. It worked that way for me.

I got very early in my sobriety

A moment I take to reduce a bit my acting as an alcoholic, I, in that moment, move a bit away from "BEING" an alcoholic.

I allowed for a bit more expression of a thing that I am an expression of in my world - friend; boyfriend; father; too late for son; dancer; worker; etc.

It is in the choosing to act in a bit different, bit more helpful way, that I discover a bit more of my 'powerfulness!'

The devaluing of alcohol in my life came about as a natural consequence.

It used to be THE most important thing! The 'feeling' or lack of feeling I got from it.

Now an important thing is tending to be my health, my giving to and chatting with another, and my increasing expression of a bit of myself in my world.