Day 64

Day 64

The 64 day question?

What a roller coaster ride early sobriety is! I came into AA on 10 Dec 2012; had three separate day busts and a full three days straight - after that conversation when I said to my sponsor "I don't want to be a hopeless alcoholic" and he said "mate! You are there!" I had no more excuses.

The life of a continual or part time drunk was not for the faint hearted, but I was medicated to enable me to destroy my life with the minimum of feelings.

At least, on this path, I have a lot of help - support in the way the program is done. Support from the people in the program I relate to.

Life was very tough last week. I was restless, irritable and discontented, perhaps, but on-edge, for sure!

My solution was to attend 2 meetings on Wednesday, 2 meetings on Friday, and two meetings on Saturday. A total of 10 meetings for the week.

By Friday afternoon I had settled down a lot and was back on an even keel.

I spoke with my sponsor early in the week and again in person on Saturday afternoon. That helped a lot. He gave me some direction.

There is a fair bit on my plate at the moment; a speech to prepare; a course to attend; troubles with my partner; a business to maintain; a recovery to work through as an ongoing spiritual recovery.

The recovery must take precedence!

There was a meeting I was half an hour late for that was an outstanding contribution to my day today.

My sponsor said to commit to the daily reflections book as an aid to my recovery - I commit to that.

The positives are the program, with the support of the fellowship.

The negative is the more I sit and listen in the rooms, the more I see myself and remember the destructive things I did.

The overwhelmingly positive things are my gradually improving quality of mind, greater relaxation, and increasing ability to forgive myself and others.

My journey is in its infancy. I look forward to helping it grow.

10 years, 5 years, 3 months, 1 day,
All have in common, just one drink away

I choose life :-)

AA Hope

I have no idea what I will hear at meetings and how I will be affected.

That is why it is so important - was so important - for me to go to meetings. To get phone numbers. To call people. To get the books. To get in the middle of the process.

Some of the things I heard there.

"Mate, you're there..." - when I said I don't want to be a hopeless alcoholic. "Jim is reliable"- after achieving sobriety. A real taste for sobriety. Isolation isn't a cure for loneliness! Godliness doesn't get expressed through me because I am good, rather because IT is good. Meetings; Sponsor; Steps; Service. Dis-Ease that we have. It is a Mental, Physical, Spiritual Dis-Ease Get a vision splendid for my sobriety. My Greater Power is Nurturing, Supporting and gives me the ability to rise to greater heights. BOAT = Bring Over Another Thousand. The purpose of the rooms is to develop a social support network. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired Sad HALTS - avoid them :-) The penny, she has dropped. Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink! Wisdom, Integrity, Honesty in the rooms. Sunlight for the spirit. College of knowledge Place of peace See myself as one among many. Not a battle, but PEOPLE everywhere on both sides. Intoxicating, out of control feeling of success - humility; thankfulness. DENIAL = Don't Even Notice I Am Lying Not all important, but not unimportant either. Just here. GOD OF MY UNDERSTANDING GOD = Group of Drunks GOD = Gift of Desperation Good Orderly Direction Higher power is for this speaker, the fellowship, the group, the steps, it doesn't have to be supernatural. As long as it is different from just the person them-self. Alcohol is my higher power - every time I surrender to it. "People can't tell me what to do" Let go, and let God. Give in and Get God. NRT = Next Right Thing The Loving Thing Bio - Psycho - Social influencers High Ego - Low Self Esteem OCD and other personality disorders. There is no really good treatment. Social and Environmental Factors are the triggers, it would appear = onset, maintenance and progression. Chronic relapsing disease of the brain that progresses. Increased consumption and declining health. No Alcoholic without Hope. Find it in the rooms :-D Social Isolation is the most common, debilitating, step. Liver and Brain deterioration and eventual death. Spiritual awakening is actual psyche change. Change playgrounds, playthings and playmates. DENT = Deeply Engrained Negative Thoughts. Fix these dents through the use of the program. Prison of my own creation is where I have ended up. Come as I am, go on as I would like to be Essential - Be active in my own rescue :-) Let the sunshine of the spirit in and out. Gutter can be a couch at home. Write down - Ten things that happen when I drink and how I drink. Write a job description for my higher power?? Higher power is in the NOW! Change psyche to change life. Person who is the most sober today is the person who got up earliest this morning. Most likely - Solution won't look like the problem. How does it work? It works just fine! Recovery can at times, look like a stagnant pond - needs life and movement. Read the "How it works" in the morning! 30yrs, 10yrs, 5mths, 1day, All have in common, just 1 drink away. Spirituality is "who am I really?" A life run from self-will, will not be a success. Run from a higher power will make it so. Tune into the program, tune into what is being transmitted by others. Be a conduit for Transmission once I have it. Feel part of, rather than disconnected, by getting involved. Want the effects of drinking but don't want the results :-( Chronic "I knowness" "The Great Reality is Within" Acknowledge that powerlessness needs a greater power to help with it. Write down three examples if when said wouldn't drink or moderate it and it didn't work and the consequences. "To feel" without medication or alteration Creatures of the dark and we leave because we get into the light and we are afraid of it. Give myself time and a chance to get used to it ;-) Do esteem-able acts to build self esteem. Read page 85 of the Big Book for the promises. We shall not regret the past or wish to close the door on it. When I listen to learn, I'll learn to listen. Live life on life's terms.